Warning: post ahead may be nonsensical to you, dear reader (ha, there are all of one of you, maybe two? And you know I appreciate you!) but it’s completely sensical to me! LOL, this blog is turning into a big ol’ Dear Diary session. 🙂
Two main happenings lately in my self-exploration, both as a result (one directly, one indirectly) of the coaching I’ve been doing for three sessions now. I am starting to make more and more connections the deeper into the coaching we get. As I wrote in my last post, we did some exploration around a metaphorical statement of my life’s purpose. After a week and half or so of mulling, revisiting the visualizations we did, and doing a bit of wordsmithing (not too much, but soooo tempting to spin wheels here), I’ve hit on a phrase that I’m not ready to share with the world but is feeling like it is right – for now. (The quote at the top of the post illustrates why it’s ok that the “right now” caveat is there.) I’ve been rolling the statement around in my head and love it. I need to do some hand-writing in my journal about it before I am ready to unveil (might be never!), but wanted to get some things out here first since I typically prefer typing because the thoughts can come out so much faster. That’s the first part.
The second part is that my coach also sent me this article about life purpose, which led me down the rabbit hole to – it turns out – this far more important-for-me-right-now post. (Trigger warning: rape/graphic sexual language.) When I read the second one in particular, it was an aha: the reason I haven’t started up a business is because I don’t really want to. I don’t really want to do all the accounting. I don’t really want to rely on myself for only-just-good-enough (aka shitty) benefits, mainly health insurance. What attracts me to having my own business is the scheduling and creative freedom. So how can I have that in my current life? And with this realization, I think this year of working .5 in my outside employment is a great start. And I’m proud that I’ll be doing that, and scared, but excited.
This aha felt peaceful, felt right. Jess Lively talks about the intuition as a cool well, we can dip into it for refreshing water/wisdom, the information it gives us is not fearful or damaging. That’s how this moment felt. Suddenly I did not feel like a failure for not getting something off the ground. This realization, along with the work on my life purpose statement, has me feeling so much better about life – like I now have “permission” (from myself) to work on the projects that really draw my attention, regardless of the money they might make us – like that it’s ok to continue to want to live frugally because that will give us the financial freedom not to be tied to full-time work that crushes the life purpose sometimes. I find myself looking at other aspects of my life through the lens of the purpose statement: how can I listen better to others? Be more present? Abdicate some of my obsession with technology? Tap the wisdom of others to improve problems that are real here and now? And none of this will necessarily make me any money, but it will all make me happier.
So, some further interesting observations/thoughts. When I started the life coaching, I declared pretty strongly that THE main thing I wanted to get out of the experience was to focus down onto ONE business idea. Now that does not feel true! Not at all! And part of me is like, shit, I am paying a LOT of money for this coaching and I’m not gonna have something to “show” for it at the end? Not going to have the start of a business? Because, like, my inner peace, confidence, and happiness is worth nothing? Huh.